My Higher Power is John Stamos
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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