My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
