Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
