remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
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