he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
