I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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