Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
