Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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