chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
