I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
You ate ashes out of my bong
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
