While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
