Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Sext me about skeletons
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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