Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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