I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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