when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
