I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Randomize
