I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
