I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Randomize
