Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Randomize
