She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I want a musical about memes.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
