I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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