We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
