I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
