Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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