One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
