If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize
