forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
You ruined the universe
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize
