the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Randomize
