FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
