WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
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