god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
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