remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
