I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
