Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
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