I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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