Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Randomize
