I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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