I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
