did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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