I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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