im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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