So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
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