I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
