i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
