so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
