it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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