you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
