remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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