Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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