i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
