I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
